[morning light..]

[all these things should make me happy..]

2007-04-29T03:05:00.000-05:00

The three of us lay in the grass, trying to soak in the rays of a sun that pretended to be absent.

For the first time in a very long while, I found myself voicing the thoughts of my aching and discontented heart to two very dear friends. Thoughts on how ironic it was that, as I so adamantly chased after the things I enjoyed, I found myself empty and wanting for more than what I was able to touch at the moment.

[level 2.]

2006-10-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

So I almost left JBU yesterday.

And now I'm driving to Little Rock tomorrow to see the governor of Arkansas.

When I get back, it's going to be hard. I will be seeing a counselor, I will be accountable to my professors, I will be down one job, and I will have a million more things to do for SGA.

I've decided that I'm scared of seeking help because I know it means I have to make a change.

Funny how hard it is to give up a lifestyle that makes you hate yourself.

[oh, pepe.]

2006-09-22T17:30:00.000-05:00

And now for a little treat from a friend,
Pepe "Shakes it Betta' than Beyoncee" Lopez.

[treat.]

[valet, do you copy?]

2006-09-20T18:29:00.000-05:00

Here are a few people from my summer valeting in Coeur d'Alene.. I regret not taking any more pictures than this, but you can't go back in time, right..

This is Travis, my boss.

The nazi.
I forget how many years he's been doing this,
but it was long enough to teach me how to screw up the least. ;)

This is a terrible picture of Craig.
The wigga.
"Playa' don' play dat way!"
I still need to send you that book.

Here are Jackson and Eric.
Cart Barn.
Like they really do any work.
Psh. :D

This fellow is Jesse.
After about a week of working together,
Jesse and I found out that we went to the same Bible school in Germany.
Bodenseehof.
CREEP OUT. :D

Then there's Jake, whose picture turned out way too bad for me to post. That kid was a fun one to work with. :) If you ever take the time to read this, Jake, I hope you're behaving yourself. [AHEM.] Keep on having those philosophical talks with Craig. ;) And keep him AWAY from my board, dangit!!! :D

[20.]

2006-09-19T19:39:00.000-05:00

Today I found a new favourite quote.

"I'm way too cool to look at you, and you're way too pathetic to not look at me."
--Barbara Kruger

[Yes. It is taken out of context. But I can do that, cuz I'm bo-sseh!]

[seattle.]

2006-08-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple of pictures from the Seattle trip that Derek, Sarah, Jeremy, and I took the other day. Yes, these are a sad summary--I will add better pictures when Derek sends them to me.

Since he was the only one with a real camera.

But go ahead--indulge yourself.. Take a look at what I have so far. Disclaimer: Some of these pictures may be slightly ridiculous. I'm sure that you'd expect nothing less from me. I have to say that I really enjoyed myself and am grateful to have friends like Derek and Sarah and to make new friends like dear Jeremy here. :)

The Road Ahead.

The Daring Driver.

The Children.

All That You Need. Right There. In the Passenger's Seat.

Seattle has many hills. Here we are, walking down one.

Yes, we did have Starbucks Coffee from the original Starbucks.. And yes, we do like the feel of the wind blowing through our hair as we gaze over the sweet harbor that you cannot see in this picture. [Side Note: I have noticed that I have a tendency to "crane" my neck in pictures. Eg: Below. This must stop.]

That was a long caption. Moving along..

An Attempt at Capturing the Seattle Skyline at Night.

Eating Salmon N' Chips.

More Eating.

And that's all for now.. Stay tuned.. :D

[if i just lay here..]

2006-07-31T22:52:00.000-05:00

Let's see.. I closed by myself tonight--it was a slow one. As I stood watching the sun set over the hills, I remembered something..

There once was a little girl, who lived on a farm with her Grandma and Grandpa.

One night, she sat outside in the middle of a field, digging her bare toes into the dirt and feeling a little lonely.

She lay back on the ground, gazing up to see that she was surrounded by stars.

In that moment, she forgot about college, about boys, about work, and money, and what she should do, and where she should live..

And for once she felt..

Safe.

Mmm.. I'm going stargazing. :)

[h2.]

2006-07-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

I drove my first hummer on Friday..

Mmmm.. :) True, the domesticated hummer may not be as awesome as the real ones overseas, but I love the deep growl of my baby. Haha! And Mr. Rummel found out that I like to drive his h2, so he had me valet it three times yesterday. "You can take it around Coeur d'Alene, if you want." Dang, I wish he was serious. People make fun of me for the stupid grin I always have on my face when I finish taking that huge hunk of metal around the lot. I can't help it. :D

Oh, and Rachael, I made sure I drove an Impala for you yesterday.

On a more serious note..

"You're mean. You are MEAN. Your words cut like a knife--you leave people with wounds and impressions that will stick with them for a lifetime. And the most amazing thing about it is.. You don't even notice."

I remember a time where I couldn't bear to utter a slightly negative word to or around a person, worried that I might hurt their feelings. How did I become so callous? Some people tell me that it's spine. I think I'm losing heart.

Can your soul die while you're still alive? I'm not trying to be "emo," here.. :) I mean, maybe it can die, but I believe it can be revived. Thing is, I've often reached the point in my spiritual life where I don't even want to try to search for restoration anymore--I feel nothing, and my hunger for being a part of Something greater than myself is lost.

Yet it comes back. I can't live like that forever. I mean.. "He has set eternity in the hearts of men." [Eccl. 3:11] It's built into me, I'll always want something more. And I don't want to let that desire fade back into the drudgery of mediocre living anymore.

No, I don't want to. So why is it still so easy to do?

[wherever you will go.]

2006-07-27T00:13:00.000-05:00

"And I will take
You in my arms..
And hold you right where you belong.."

It was just me.. The road.. The night air.. And N'Sync.

Hahaha.. Hey, I had to do it.. I rolled down the windows and sang my heart out. And did it all over again to The Calling.. Mmm..

How is it that you can feel so good and so sad at the same time?

[arlene persons' day off.]

2006-07-24T01:23:00.000-05:00

Sooooooooooooooooo..

Guess who's got a day off work tomorrow..? Ahh.. That's right. ;)

Not that parking the cars of the top 10% richest Americans in the United States is a difficult line of work, or anything. Getting high off the smell of new leather interiors is actually quite relaxing.

All the same, a day off is a day off, and I'm excited about what I could do with it.

Swimming must be involved, yes,.. Swimming.. Jumping is completely inevitable, as well.. I know of a dock on Coeur d'Alene Lake that will do quite nicely..

Let's see.. Friends! Most likely, Sarah will have the day off tomorrow. I must call her ASAP. Oh, and we can't forget food.. Now that I know the locations of Target, Safeway, Costco, Super1, and Walmart, not to mention the kitchen food pantry, I believe that I shall not be at a loss for this mandatory thing.. Mmm.. Food.

As to the topic of food, I would like to announce that my belly is taking on the very American shape of.. Round.

Henceforth, I shall be disciplining myself to a regular schedule of crunches, sit-ups, and crazy-go-nuts dancing to restore my slim and trim body. I swear I'm gonna be sexy someday.

Here's to the final days of summer.

[hippo-critter.]

2006-07-22T23:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight I almost bought a shirt that said,

"no one cares about your blog."

I laughed really hard.

And then I remembered that I had one.

Ah, shoot. ;)

[9th & ash.]

2006-07-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

Too many midol.

A dog was beaten by a trash can and the motorcycle ran away with blood running in the street. Then I sprouted wings.

That Butterfinger sitting on the air conditioning vent is totally mine.

Isn't that awful? Of all things, why did I have to think of THAT when I lay tripping on midol at 3 in the morning?!

I'm never doing drugs.

I did get to give Rachel Johnson a birthday call this morning, though. YEAH, RACHEL! Mrs. Jones TOTALLY has a birthday present for you. ;) Haha.

Ugh. So hungry.

Mmhmm.. It's not Tuesday night, but all the same..

[aha!]

2006-07-11T00:40:00.000-05:00

I'm telling you people.. Penguins are evil.

PS.. Travis is the best boyfriend ever. :D Why?? Because he sent me..

THIS

[long line of cars.]

2006-07-06T17:46:00.000-05:00

And maybe it will be all because of me. :D

So I finally have a job!! Well.. A weekend job. I've taken on the role of traffic director. Hehehe. Poor, unsuspecting civilians. Little do they know what chaos they shall encounter upon crossing my path. This is the way I like it.

Mistress of Mayhem.

But really, now, I think I could be quite a good traffic director, and I think it will be uber fun. :D

Haha.. Hooray for being one step closer to having a life!! ;)

[here i go again on my own.]

2006-07-02T11:11:00.000-05:00

I didn't know that going to church could make me feel so nervous.

How long has it been?.. A year?.. God and I have a weird relationship.. Getting back into one with Him isn't easy--sometimes it scares the crap out of me.

Some people say I haven't really indulged in life that much. But I really can't summarize the last two years of my life better than with the word "hedonistic."

Is it so bad to have fun?

I don't think so, but somewhere along the way I always find something that brings me to a pleasantly debilitating standstill in my spiritual life. Especially since I currently find myself at the point where I know what's wrong with me.. But I won't give up my old life all the way, because I'm scared I'll miss it too much.

Too bad my body and my brain don't get along better.

And now, to church..

[sharks.]

2006-07-02T02:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight on Discovery Channel, I saw a documentary on sharks. Did you know that they are now working to preserve great whites off the coast of South Africa?

Great whites feed on land seals. You know, sea lions.. Like Spanky.

Was his name Spanky?

Discovery Channel was kind enough to show me visually and with great detail how great whites like to leap several feet out of the ocean to catch the sea lions and eat them.

Heaven help us.

I would have started freaking out, but I was mentally and therefore physically disabled from staring at a glowing tube all day.

You guys, I really do hate t.v., I don't know why it's such a vice for me. Tomorrow is not going to suck this much. It can't. I'm going to do something unusual tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

Tchuss.

[yeh, BUEY!!]

2006-06-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

It's set.

Sort of, at least it's decided. I'm moving to Cour d'Alene, Idaho.

WOOT!

Thank you, Ohio, you were so very hospitable, but I need to get crack-a-lackin'! [Thank you, Shanelle.]

For those of you who don't know, I was not doing well in NY. It was my fault, I did get into some bad habits that only book people could understand the seriousness of.. Before I knew it, I was in a car with Travis, headed to Ohio. And now I have to move along, move along.

"This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is important, because I'm exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place something that I have traded for it. I want it to be gain, not loss; good, not evil; success, not failure; in order that I shall not regret the price I paid for it. May I have sufficient wisdom and courage that this will be my record for the day."

[a little og.]

2006-05-28T21:08:00.000-05:00

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love and I will be born again.

I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit.

I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars.

I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul.

I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.

--Og Mandino, The Greatest Salesman in the World
[excerpt from "The Scroll Marked II"]

[cody.]

2006-05-14T20:16:00.000-05:00

I HATE small dogs.

But Cody stole my heart today.

He's a.. Yorker? Is that what you call them? You know.. Those pint-sized little dogs with long hair. Normally the ones I would consider kicking into a swimming pool. [Mandy, you can testify to that.]

This one is different.

Anyway, Rachael, Katy, and I found a house today. We split up to attend different churches [I got to sit through three masses today and met with a monsignur--sp? Very interesting.] and Rachael met a lady named Chris, who was speaking on dealing with grief.

Chris is a wonderful lady, whose daughter was killed in a tragic car accident two years ago. Today, Micah would have been our age.

To make a long story short, God's timing was perfect even in the tiniest things that worked out up till this very day. And is still working out now.

We have a home tonight.

[go ahead, punk. make my day.]

2006-05-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

We left Nashville today.

I don't even know how to explain this to you guys. Except that I've been plunged into a world where every second of my day counts.

And I love it.

I'll try to keep you posted.

Tchuss.

[loca.]

2006-05-01T23:02:00.000-05:00

I want to do everything and nothing at the same time.

I DON'T want to pack.

This was my freshman year of college. A blur of discovery, mistakes, love, consequences, rewards, mercy, pain, release. Have I grown up yet?

I think I'll be able to pull a "B-" in Western Civ. Woot.

[6 am.]

2006-04-30T07:06:00.000-05:00

I curled up tighter in my sleeping bag as I felt the cold seep through the ground to my already freezing toes. Emily was yelling in the background for us to get up--my body was yelling inside for her to shut up.

Instead I peeked over the edge of my sleeping bag to see Meg and Laura.. And we hopped along the damp sidewalk like soggy cocoons.

We got to the entrance of the gym, then were shortly herded outside with everyone else to take the picture.

I rode home.

I don't think of myself as any better of a person for being involved in the Global Night Commute.

I want to say so much about what happened, you know.. How we got the opportunity to write to the President of the United States, how we watched those children again, how it hurt as much as the first time we saw them, how Meg and I shared a bag of peanuts, how I felt that I might have finally found some more real friends, how good summer sausage is, and how fun it was to sleep on the church step last night.

Last night felt so clean and wonderful. I'm frustrated with those who have made it a fad, and even more so with those who won't participate because they think they are better for being non-conformist.

Don't you ever do things because you just.. care?

[responsibility.]

2006-04-19T23:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I can crank out a good 1,500-word paper in about two hours.. Maybe even one. Half an hour would be decent, albeit complete bulle scheisse, and 15 minutes.. Forget it. But if I had remembered that I HAD one, my term paper could have been past excellent.

Am I too prideful?

I thought I was making some headway with my fat black planner.

But no.

Good thing Eric Gill is somewhat interesting. Tchuss.

[the first day.]

2006-04-12T22:26:00.000-05:00

As I walked from the Caf to Mayfield, I couldn't help but notice how.. green everything is.

Finally.

I was so tired of feeling as dead and ugly as the brown grass beneath my shoes.

It's kind of pretty here in the Spring.